How To Hunt A Goth

This is from "Uncle Drunk"'s post in Haunting Echoes...cheers to him...

This is the most extensive guide on how to bag yourself a goth. I mean who doesn't want to go out and prowl through cemeteries for the ultimate in pets? So remember if they bleed on you its a sign of want!


*Warning* This thing is quite long *Warning*

Why Goth Hunting?

The Goth Hunter behind the Grassy Knoll




* It deserves it, that devil-worshipping pansy.
* Because you can. (Ethical and moral considerations! I raise my middle finger at you!)
* If you treat it right, it may never want to leave ;-)
* Borrowing its stuff is cheaper than buying your own.
* It bit you in the neck.
* For sport, why else?
* Goths taste like chicken.
* Because of the lack of natural predators, the population must be culled periodically, or there will not be enough speed, and many will have to actually sleep- it's a humanitarian thing, really.

How To Bag Yourself a Goth

Caught in The Goth Trap


Trapping

* Step 1: Plant your area with large rose bushes. Make sure they produce black or red roses, and have long, sharp thorns. Let the bushes grow out of control, until your area looks overgrown and romantically neglected. This is the bait.
* Step 2: When your prey walks by the trap, he will feel an overwhelming desire to write poetry about it, or should he not be poetically inclined (gasp!), sit in the middle of it and contemplate death. He will approach the roses, leading you to...
* Step 3: The fishnet, lace, or other material worn by your prey will catch on the thorns, rendering him motionless. If you leave clove cigarettes within reach and pump Bauhaus into your area, you can keep your goth fresh until your semi-annual goth harvest.



Unaware of his fate, the Goth leaves the club with the hunter.


Hunting by Stealth

* Step 1: Dress in your best blaze black and carry a baseball bat. Drive to an area with a high gothic concentration and mingle with your possible prey. Find a member of whichever sex you may be attraced to. Lower its defenses with Jello shots or other mind-altering substances.
* Step 2: If you can lure it outside with offers of sex, do it. Otherwise, knock it unconscious. Tie its wrists and ankles with its own dog collar and bondage bracelets and sling it over the hood of your car. Tie down securely.
* Step 3: Go home, point to the thorny brambles in your yard and the bodies hanging from them, and say ominously, "That could have been you." This will convince your goth to stay.





Surprise Attack

* Step 1: Go to your local Goth club. Use any means necessary to get close to the DJ. Have someone create a diversion while you replace his CDs with Spice Girls, Hanson, N Sync, and the Backstreet Boys. Put in your earplugs and wait for the fun.
* Step 2: When he plays the switched CDs, everyone in the area will fall to the ground in pain. They will eventually become limp and comatose. Walk among them and choose your prey.
* Step 3: Put it in your car and revive it with Sisters of Mercy. The bubble-gum pop experience will have had the effect of a frontal lobotomy. Goths caught in this manner are extremely docile, with a tendancy towards drooling.



Checking your prey over



Congratulations! You've caught a goth! But how do you know it's really a goth? What if it's a Spooky Kid, Mansonite, or Quantum? Here's a handy test to see if that vision in black really is a goth. If your quarry meets these specifications, be happy (or forlorn, if you will), for you have caught yourself an authentic!

* It is sickened by the country-style decor in your kitchen.
* It points out the window at all the other goths caught in your rosebushes, and gives you a longwinded speech about how they are NOT goth.
* It is NOT goth.
* You may not be able to ascertain its gender from physical examination.
* It just won't shut up about all those 80s bands.
* Ankhs, ankhs everywhere.

If, however, your prey is more similar to these specs, put it back on your rosebushes to starve or be picked up by its mom.

* Wearing any Marilyn Manson clothing
* Ugly, ugly, UGLY makeup.
* Gives a long explanation of what Goth is, with contradictions all over the place.
* Is wearing blue jeans or khakis, or anything from the (shudder) Gap.
* Is a girl scout, salesman, or Jehovah's Witness. (Don't put the trap in the front yard, people!)



It's very pretty, but what do you DO with it?

* The obvious- sex slave.
* Glue a lantern to its hand and make it a darker sort of lawn jockey.
* Diminutive Perky Goths make excellent garden gnomes.
* Goths with big hair can be used to dust those high, hard to reach corners.
* Film your own sequel to Edward Scissorhands.
* Pretend it's your offspring, you get to be on talk shows!
* It'll make a good test subject, as long as you are willing to inject him with drugs.
* It'll introduce you to all the best people.
* Improve your trap- put it in the yard with a sign that says "Goth Babe/Boi of the Week" over it.
* Send it out to buy you that bondage gear you've always been afraid to shop for.
* It'll make you feel reassuringly normal.